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anxiety

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Why Do Some Adults Have a Harder Time Unplugging Than Kids?

by mark on May 17, 2009

Who do you think has anxiety the most from kids having to unplug from their devices when they go to summer camp for two weeks? The kids? Or Mom or Dad?

In some cases, both.

Having gone through an Internet connectivity outage that went on for over twenty four hours, I can understand what it is like to feel unable to communicate via email, keep up with the outside world, and get work done. I work from home. So my Internet connection is important to me. I experienced significant frustration, a feeling of helplessness, perhaps some anxiety. But within a few hours, I realized that I would survive and that my connectivity would be restored at some point, and then I was able to move on to enjoy my forced vacation from being online.

Sounds like the kids who experienced the forced disconnection from tech at summer camp go through the same thing. But they do survive and quickly find out that their time can be filled with enjoyable things to do with other people. And many find that they even don’t miss their connectivity.

But the helicopter parents mentioned in the article appear to be the most anxious ones. Gasp! They can’t be in constant contact with their kids! And what is their reaction? Fear! The idea that their kids can’t pick up after a couple of rings to reassure them that they are safe makes Mom really uneasy… Does Mom resolve to let go and just get a grip? No. Instead she reassures herself that she can bug the camp counselors frequently to check in on her kid.

And what do the camp counselors have to do to fend off the barrage of worrisome parents constantly calling? They have to reassure parents that their kids are still alive by posting photos of them on an online gallery. Oh brother.

When I was a kid, my parents dropped me off for two weeks at camp, and then hopped on a ship to the Bahamas for at least a week if not longer. There was no way that either of us could get in touch with each other even if there was some kind of emergency. Maybe some kind of telegram could have been sent to let them know that I was eaten by a bear. But I have a feeling that my parents would have rather waited to hear about that when they got home. Why spoil a fun vacation in the Caribbean with news of my unfortunate death?

[photo by Symic]

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A Tale of Two Types of Parental Control Software

by mark on March 31, 2009

Choosing parental control software

Speaking to a customer who was trying out ComputerTime, I was asked if ComputerTime did parental control types of things. What she really was asking was, “Does ComputerTime do internet filtering?” Some people think the terms are synonymous. But parental control software is a more general term and can refer to different types of control.

Blocking and Logging Parental Control Software

Most parental control software that hit the market over a decade ago, primarily monitored or blocked websites along with other internet related activities. Some software went as far as spying on kids every activity.

Website blocking software has never been extremely effective*. To be effective, the database of sites that need to be blocked has to be complete. But everyday, tens of thousands of new domains are registered. Old domains expire and are acquired by people who put up different web pages than the previous owners. If you feel comfortable utilizing a tool that may only be 90% accurate — that’s better than nothing — but don’t rely on it for real protection.

I gotta feeling like somebody's watching me
I Spy with my 25 Eyes by nickhall

Tools that give parents detailed logs of websites visited, every keystroke typed, and even screen snapshots seem a bit creepy. Just because parents can monitor every aspect of their kids online lives, is it the right thing to do? Parents will take different sides on this issue. Parents today should think back to when they were kids: If your parents clandestinely listened in on your phone conversations, or trailed you in their cars at a distance, using parabolic microphones to listen to your conversations across the parking lot, would you resent or respect them for how they handled your upbringing.

SoftwareTime’s Approach to Parental Control

SoftwareTime’s stance is that the best web filter is the watchful eye of the parent. Ensure that computers are located in a public area of the house and if you choose, set limits that disallow use of the computer at times that you won’t be around to keep an eye on the activity.

ComputerTime encourages responsible use of computers. Kids push against boundaries, not always respecting limits. They don’t always act in their own best interest, and ignore consequences. Parental guidance is required. ComputerTime helps parents to provide this guidance, but does not replace parents.

With ComputerTime, it’s you, the parent, that still sets the rules for how long and when your kids can be on the computer. You can be strict with the limits that you set, or you can be flexible and let the kids manage their time within relaxed constraints if they have shown themselves to be more responsible. Since you’re only managing time with ComputerTime, it’s a less intrusive type of parental control.

Things Are and Aren’t Different Today

Kids with cell phones, the web, IM, email, FaceBook, MySpace… It’s a whole new world.

But kids themselves, they haven’t changed all that much. The aspire to be trusted, respected, loved, appreciated, etc.

The best way to handle our children in today’s technology-saturated world is similar to what our parents would have done when we were kids:

  • Have a good, open relationship with our kids where they feel comfortable talking with you. Spying on them would joepardize that relationship, so don’t do that.
  • Provide guidance. Teach your kids good values and responsibility so that kids can do the right thing whether that be at the playground, the mall, or online.
  • Pay attention to your kids. You’ll know when something is wrong; attentive parents notice subtle changes in kids behavior and moods when they are in trouble.
  • Give them roots and wings

Do you agree with this philosophy? Do you think parents always be aware of exactly what’s going on? Overtly or covertly? Leave a comment below.

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A quick shout out to my friend Brett, who posted about his fears and uncertainties about how to best handle the issue of how much privacy he should give his kids when they’re old enough to get onto the Internet. It’s a problem that a lot of parents wrestle with, and inspired me to share my two cents.

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Roots and Wings: “But the world is a different place now.”

by mark on January 2, 2009

How old do your kids need to be before you’ll let them travel on public transportation?

My daughter just flew from JFK to Houston with a friend the same age as her: fourteen. A direct flight, with adults dropping them off at the gate and picking them up at the other end. All things considered they were extremely safe through this trip over the holidays.

When we ran into friends and relatives around the holidays who noticed she was absent, we told them she was in Texas.

“She’s in Texas? Who did she go with?”.

“With one of her classmates. They went to visit a mutual friend.”

“Oh, her friend’s family was going down too?”, with a sense of relief on their faces.

“No. Just the two of them,” I said, as I watched their eyes open wide with disbelief.

Most didn’t react that way. I often heard people say that this would be good step for her and that she would build some confidence out of the trip. The strongest disagreement with my choice seemed to come from mothers, while fathers seemed generally more supportive.

Ryan on the TrainMy father, at age 12, took a train to NYC from Connecticut with his cousin. He survived to tell the tale just fine. How did they get to the train station in New Haven or Bridgeport? They hitchhiked. They made this trip more than once.

Lenore Skenazy, was letting her son, at nine years, ride the subway in NYC, by himself. The day after Christmas this year — he is now ten years old — he got on the train, and a conductor finding him traveling alone raised an issue believing that this was not right. The police were called, but eventually, it turns out that everything was OK. The policy of the MTA, which nobody was apparently aware of, states that kids can ride along as long as they are eight and up.

The hair on my neck bristles sometimes when I hear people say, “Well, we live in different times. It’s not like it used to be,” with the assumption that the world is a more dangerous place.

But the only stats that I’ve seen have indicated that the world is getting to be a safer place for children, with rates of crime against children actually dropping.

Parents that live in fear and impose overly restrictive limits on their kids are making a terribly misinformed decision. Reality does not support the reasons that they are choosing to limit their kids experiences. Worse, they are passing their irrational fears onto their children, who will grow up wrongly believing that the world is to be feared and danger lurks everywhere.

Subway: View from the FrontWould you let your ten-year-old ride the MTA around NYC alone? When your neighborhood is NYC, then I don’t see why you wouldn’t. Some parents would probably side with people who think that Lenore is an irresponsible parent. Lenore sees that she’s giving her kids freedom, responsibility, and experiences that will serve them well in becoming adults. I side with her. I believe that the job of raising a child is one where you gradually give a kid more freedom and responsibility so that by the time their are an adult, they are well-prepared.

Nowadays, consider that kids who are likely to be traveling on airlines or subways are also outfitted with a cell phone, giving them easy access to emergency services. Such luxuries didn’t exist when my Dad traveled.  They certainly didn’t exist in the days of Ben Franklin and Davy Crockett either, who began adulthood in their early teens.

I have Lenore’s book, Free Range Kids: Giving Our Kids the Freedom We Enjoyed Without Going Nuts with Worry, on order, and I’ll be following her new blog, Free Range Kids.

Indeed, times have changed.  Unfortunately it is the parents have changed. Thank you John Walsh and the rest of the media for inciting record levels of fear amongst parents.

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Loss of “Right to Roam” and Nature’s Benefits

by mark on November 11, 2007

What made this article particularly interesting was the graphic that accompanied it, showing how each successive generation was granted less and less liberty to roam.

The author of the article doesn’t take any technology-related angle, but you would think that with cell phone and GPS related technology that parents might be able to loosen up little bit on the restrictions, but that’s clearly not what’s happening.

I linked this article however, because it hits on another common theme you’ve read about on this blog: Kids need to be connected to nature for their well being.

The report’s author, Dr William Bird, the health adviser to Natural England and the organiser of a conference on nature and health on Monday, believes children’s long-term mental health is at risk.

He has compiled evidence that people are healthier and better adjusted if they get out into the countryside, parks or gardens.

Stress levels fall within minutes of seeing green spaces, he says. Even filling a home with flowers and plants can improve concentration and lower stress.

…”Studies have shown that people deprived of contact with nature were at greater risk of depression and anxiety. Children are getting less and less unsupervised time in the natural environment.

Overuse and reliance on technology can keep kids away from nature. But so can over-protective parents. Perhaps parents are over-protective because they get a steady stream of news that scares the heck out of them.

What are we doing to our future and our children’s futures when we start letting fear make our decisions? Do we risk doing more harm than good? How can we use technology to help alleviate our fears instead of amplify them?

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